Practice Makes Perfect
A kid told me that her mother’s hobby is sleeping.
When asked why he was so tired, one kindergarten student said that his parents leave him with a babysitter who keeps him awake while his parents go play pool in a bar every night. A few things he had neglected to mention: He had a newborn baby sister who cried all night long, the sitter was his aunt, and his parents needed one night out so they wouldn’t lose their minds!
Make It a Double
My own child told everyone that his mom drinks alcohol all the time. I asked him what he meant. He said, “You know, Mom, those cups with the white lid that aren’t good for kids.” Oops! I guess it was past time to tell him about my coffee habit.
Santa’s Little Helper
I opened a Christmas gift from one of my students and said, “Ethan, thanks for the Christmas candles.” He looked at them and said, “Oh, someone gave those to my mom.”
Just Say No to Dad
My own son made the list of all-time favorites in his school when he told the D.A.R.E. police officers and the entire assembly, “My pops sells drugs for a living.” His father is a pharmacist.
Not in Front of the Kids!
I had a child tell me, “I know what my parents do after I go to sleep.” I asked him what they did and he said, “They eat snacks!” It wasn’t what I was expecting but I have laughed about it for years.
Tail Between His Legs
A kindergartner once told me that her dad was in the doghouse but had to sleep on the couch since they didn’t have a dog.
I had a kid explain to me how it’s easy to tell his dad is married. When asked how he could tell, he said, “Because guys without wives try to keep their breath nice and my dad doesn’t.” I died laughing.
A little boy informed the class that his dad clips his toenails and eats them! No joke!
Toil and Trouble
One time, a girl told me she was really tired because “Daddy didn’t come home last night, so Mommy drove around and around looking for his car. We found it at the witch’s house.” Upon further inquiry, she revealed that “the witch” was her grandmother “but I’m not supposed to tell her we call her that.”
A student let me know that if I needed to get in touch with his mom, she’d be home because she just had a boob job.
Failure Begins at Home
While talking to my little first graders about not stressing over the CRTs, one girl raised her hand and said it was okay if they didn’t pass the test because even grown-ups sometimes don’t pass tests—like her daddy, who had just graduated from law school and couldn’t pass the bar! I’m sure her parents would die if they knew she had said that.