Story Excerpt: You Must, You Must, You Must
If you’ve heard this story before, then you’ve heard more than I have, because I’ve never heard it before and I’ve heard most stories.

It happened in a city that was just like any other city, except that everything painted blue in other cities was painted red in this one. And it happened in a time that was just like now. Except that it was then.

In this city, there lived a girl called Megan. She was a lovely and cheerful girl, with hair the color of milk chocolate and a smile that lit up the neighborhood.

Now, Megan was approaching a marriageable age. Young men swarmed around, howling like wild dogs.

“Megan, please marry me!” one would say, showing off mountainous muscles on his upper arms.

“No, marry me!” insisted another, inviting her to ride in his gleaming sports car.

“It would be a great mistake to marry anyone other than myself!” said a third, combing his greased-back hair and posing like a film star.

But Megan would have none of them, until one day a soft-spoken young man named Conrad Avery was introduced to her.

How interesting Conrad seemed to her! How easily they spoke together, talking about this and that. He was gentle and a little nervous, but he became more confident as his affection toward Megan blossomed into love.

After a while, he showed Megan a photograph of his family, a photograph he kept in his wallet at all times. He spoke so tenderly of his parents, his grandparents, and his great-aunt. It made Megan feel warm toward Conrad to think how much of a family man he was.

He is the one for me, Megan thought to herself. He loves me and I love him. He will be a caring father to our children.

When, after some months, he proposed marriage, she accepted.

But the day after her wedding, Megan was in for a big surprise.

They woke up the next morning and Conrad said, “Good morning, dear wife! An apple a day keeps the doctor away!”

“Good morning, dear husband,” Megan said. “What’s this about apples?”

“Don’t you know,” he replied, “that when we wake up you must say ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away!’ otherwise the day won’t go well?”

“Very well.” She laughed. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!” Conrad washed and dressed, then helped cook breakfast. But before sitting down, he placed the newspaper on top of his head, and said, “Merrily we roll along.”

“What’s this ‘merrily we roll along’ business?” his wife asked.

“Don’t you know,” her husband replied, “that before eating you must always do and say this, otherwise the food will taste like manure?”

“Very well.” Megan laughed. And she placed a newspaper on her head and said, “Merrily we roll along.”

After breakfast, they both put on their coats and walked to the car to drive to work. But before he climbed in, Conrad walked around the car three times, and each time he said, “May the heavens swallow up all fish crabs!”

“What’s all this?” Megan asked.

“Don’t you know,” Conrad said, “that you must do this before getting into a car, otherwise you will never reach your destination?”

“Is this really necessary?” Megan asked.

“Indeed it is!” Conrad said. “Please, Megan. Otherwise, I’ll never get to work safely!”

Out of love for her husband, Megan circled the car three times and each time she repeated, “May the heavens swallow up all fish crabs!”

That evening, when he finished his work at the post office, Conrad picked up his wife from the bank where she worked. He kissed her sweetly on the cheek and they drove home like any two newlyweds in love, glad to be together.

Conrad parked the car in the driveway, then unlocked the front door. He stepped into the house with his right foot, then stepped out of it with his left, three times in a row, each time accompanying the action with the words “Toosh-aloosh.” Only when this was completed correctly did he go indoors.

“What’s this ‘toosh-aloosh’ business?” Megan asked.

“Don’t you know,” Conrad replied, “that you must step in and out of the house three times and say ‘Toosh-aloosh’ before going in, otherwise there will be no happiness in our home?”

So Megan said, “toosh-aloosh” while stepping in and out of the house three times.

After dinner, before he could do the dishes, Conrad touched the taps, counting to twenty-one. But he didn’t count in the usual way. Instead, he counted: one, two, three ... two, three, four ... three, four, five ... four, five, six ... and so on, so that it took a lot longer than it would have if he simply counted in the usual way.

“What’s all this counting for?” Megan asked.

“Don’t you know,” Conrad replied, “that if you don’t count to twenty-one in this exact way, your children will never grow up healthy, wealthy, and wise?"

So Megan was forced to touch the taps and count. “One, two three ..." she said. “Two, three, four ... three, four, five ... four, five, six ...” all the way to twenty-one.

After doing the dishes, they spent several delightful hours in each other’s company. Megan really loved Conrad and he loved her too.

When it was time to go to sleep, Conrad brushed his teeth, changed into his pajamas, then climbed into bed.

After a brief silence, he curled into a small ball and mumbled, “Sheep in the meadow, cows in the corn.”

Then he straightened himself out and smiled at Megan.

“What’s this ‘sheep and cows’ business?” she asked him.

“Don’t you know,” he said, “that the stars will fall on our house unless we say this?”

So Megan curled herself into a small ball and mumbled, “Sheep in the meadow, cows in the corn.”

Then she straightened herself and kissed her husband good night.

The next morning when Megan awoke, she thought of pleasing Conrad, so she turned to him and said, “Good morning, dear husband! An apple a day keeps the doctor away!”

Conrad jumped out of bed, fretting and fuming. He went into the bathroom and washed his hands twenty-four times, each time repeating, “Forget the walruses! Forgive the warthogs!”

“What did I do wrong?” she asked anxiously.

“Don’t you know,” he said, “that today is Tuesday? On Tuesdays you must say ‘An orange a day keeps the dentist away!’”

Poor Megan!

She soon learned that everything was slightly diferent on Tuesdays, different again on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and completely different on Saturdays and Sundays!

It took her a long time to learn all the words and actions for each different day and occasion.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg!