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Ways to Help Children Who Are Grieving

By Brian Smith on February 28, 2014
  • Grades: PreK–K, 1–2, 3–5, 6–8, 9–12

I love to laugh. Creating a fun learning environment for my students is something that I take very seriously. Unfortunately, not everything that happens to our students during a school year is positive or fun. There are a lot of issues that students may face at home and, sadly, occasionally, a student may have a family member get sick and sometimes pass away.

On January 5, 2014 we lost a wonderful member of our family. My wife’s father, James W. Bolick, passed away and the world dimmed just a bit. My wife Liz lost a caring father and I lost an amazing father-in-law. Our daughter Ella lost the best Papa that ever existed. Since his passing, we have all experienced grief in our own ways, but for Ella it can be especially hard since this is the biggest loss that she has had to face in her short nine years. Seeing her go through this got me thinking about what I’ve done for my students in the past when they have experienced loss and what I can do better in the future.

Like any other issues that arise in our lives, Liz and I have used books to try to help Ella through her grieving process. Of course, we encourage her to express her feelings, but we find that books anchor her and give her a safe place to return to when those feelings of grief may pop up again a week from now, six months from now, or even years from now.

While researching this topic, I found Kids Grief and Scholastic book lists to be very thorough and divided up nicely along age guidelines. The following is a list of books that we have used with Ella and I have recommended to other parents in the past when their families face losing someone:

Nana Upstairs & Nana DownstairsNana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs by Tomie DePaola is a sweetly-written book that deals with death and how your memories will continue on even after the person is gone. It also reinforces that even though a loved one has left us, we are still surrounded by others who love us and want to protect us.

 

 

 

The Heart and the BottleThe Heart and the Bottle by Oliver Jeffers is another great book. It’s easy for a child who is grieving to seemingly have a personality change both at home and at school. This thought-provoking book is simply told without being overbearing or preachy. The story and illustration are subtle and another reason that Jeffers is quickly becoming a new favorite author of mine. I mentioned him in my penguin unit post a few weeks ago but this book is truly a special creation.

 

 

The Next PlaceThe Next Place by Warren Hanson — Beautiful illustrations and rhythmic text brings sweet, personal memories to mind for anyone reading it. It easily opens the door for conversations to occur. This book lends itself to some belief systems more than others but doesn’t connect itself to any one belief of what comes next.

 

 

Aside from books, there are other things that a teacher can do to help a student who is grieving: 

The first is to let the child take the lead on how and when conversations happen. Some students prefer to be at school and use their academic day as a getaway from the sadness that may feel like it’s overtaking their home life.

On the flip side, when a child feels like talking, make sure to listen. Even if this doesn’t happen until quite a while after the loved one has passed, take the time to hear them out. Don’t feel pressured to offer solutions because there can be so few of those in the mourning process. Also, make sure that you share the conversation with the child’s parent, especially if it’s a younger student. Fellow blogger Christy Crawford offers additional advice for "Dealing With the Grieving Process in the Classroom" that includes her own favorite books and approaches to assist students.

One thing that Ella’s hospice counselor did that I think really helped her deal with the loss of Papa was to create a memory box. You can purchase a picture box relatively cheap at any arts and crafts stores or use a shoebox. While the child decorates the box, you can talk about different objects that hold special meaning that they can store in their box. Finding time during the busy school days can be tricky but it can also be very important as we look at the whole child’s needs. You may be the only person who is in a place to help your student talk about his or her feelings.

Ella and Papa on VacationI want to add that I am not a therapist or counselor. However, I have been a teacher for many years and through those years I have witnessed students struggle through grandparent deaths, parent deaths, and unfortunately, I’ve seen students wrestle with losing a classmate to cancer. It’s not a happy subject but an important one to be prepared for as we educate children to be not just good readers or scientists, but to be good, caring individuals who understand how to deal with difficult emotions.

Now, I’m not a great novelist or poet but I am dedicating this post to Papa! You are missed and thought about each and every day. Thanks for always being there for us and especially for loving our Ella like she was the only star in your sky. We love you!

Let’s connect on Pinterest and Twitter.

I can’t wait to see you next week.

Comments (13)

Brian--
This post will touch many hearts tonight, including mine. I revisit your dance party post so often when I need a smile. I now have another favorite. This post is a beautiful tribute to a life well lived-which is what we all hope for at the end of our days.

Hi!
Thank you so much for reading! I'm so thankful that you shared your thoughts with me. I love that you revisit our dance party post and that you enjoyed this one. I hope you have a great week!
Brian

What a blessing you are to our students! I am so grateful for your love and compassion with our children and I hope we can be there for Ella as time marches on! Excellent post and an awesome dedication to a wonderful Angel in the sky!

Those are wonderful resources to help the children with the grieving process. Another book the I have found extremely helpful is "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKylen. This one help my class with the loss of a classmate a few years ago.

Hi Ms. Erickson. I have never heard of Tear Soup but I will be looking it up. Thank you so much for sharing it and also for taking the time to read and comment.

You are very talented Brian--great job with this tribute. Papa was a sweet man-I'm glad that I knew him.

Thank you so much Laura! We miss you mad Grant and hope to see you soon!

What an amazing gift to Ella to have someone love her like he did..She was lucky to have him even though their time was cut too short.

Very true Amy! We appreciate all of you and your family's support!

Thank you for such a useful post. All three of these are new books to me, and I will definitely be looking for them in the future.

My dad died suddenly on my last day of 5th grade, and another thing my teacher did to show support from the whole class was to send a flower arrangement from the entire class- with their names all listed on the card. I still have it today.

I truly appreciate you taking the time to post a comment and share your story. What a thoughtful teacher you had in 5th grade and what a great keepsake she provided for you. Thanks for reading.

Brian,
Helping children through the grief process is such a difficult thing to do but you did an amazing job. May your Papa's love surround you and your family each and every day.
Allie

Thanks so much Allie! He is greatly missed everyday. I hope that what I've learned through this process helps others.

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