Dazed and Distracted
Your pre-teen's life is all about changes — emotional, physical, and academic. Help her cope so her schoolwork doesn't suffer.
By Cara Pitterman
The physical changes of adolescence are just the beginning.
As your child starts middle school, you'll notice some big differences in your soon-to-be-teen. Not only has her appearance changed, but so has her attitude. Rather than sharing all the wonderful things she has learned in class like she used to, she answers your daily "How was school today?" query with a predictable "Fine" as she trudges past you to her room. And just what does she do in those hours spent alone in her inner sanctum?
Change itself is just about the only thing you can count on at this point in your child's development. Physical, emotional, and academic changes abound. All can be jarring and distracting as your middle schooler strives to settle into a routine. Here's a guide to common distractions and what you can do to ease them.
What's Happening to My Body?
Am I Losing My Mind?
Why Is School So Different?
What's Happening to My Body?
Every preteen is going to go through physical changes, but remember that kids develop at different paces. So when you look at a list of common physical changes your preteen will face, it's not only daunting, but there's no indication of when these changes will occur:
- Rocketing height
- Starting menstruation
- Cracking voices
- Getting braces
- Spurting limbs
- Raging hormones
- Wearing bras
- Battling baby fat
- Sweating palms
- Developing acne
One mom from upstate New York offers her experience with talking to her preteen son about puberty: "My son was very comfortable asking questions and interested in the physical and emotional changes he will be going through," she says. "We also discussed what changes girls will be experiencing; mainly that everyone goes through these changes and to ask me or his father any questions he has. We have always answered his questions honestly and sincerely, without feeling any embarrassment." Check with your preteen's school to see if he'll have a class on physical changes. Sometimes they'll send home a booklet discussing the changes, which you can read through together.
Sometimes, of course, the physical changes can create a more serious situation than what the average preteen experiences, such as the development of addictions, severe behavioral problems, or eating disorders. For such critical issues, seek the help of a professional. Ask your physician or school guidance counselor for a referral.
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Am I Losing My Mind?
Along with the physical changes, of course, come mood swings, peer conflicts, and a host of other emotionally charged scenarios:
Changing friends or cliques. Middle school can be a tension-filled environment. Bullies emerge. Fights with friends can affect schoolwork, and one-time allies may become enemies. Times may be tough. Know that peer groups can evolve, and keep an eye on new faces that may influence your child. One way to keep up? "Invite your child's friends over — and get to know their parents too," advises a mother with two now-high school age kids.
Dealing with peer pressure. On a daily basis, your middle schooler probably asks himself, What's cool? Doubts hatch, and he may abandon things he used to like because they aren't "in." All this adds up to a lot of time worrying about image and striving to fit in. This, in turn, can easily affect his concentration, especially if he faces pressure on a day-to-day basis during school hours. Reinforce the idea that he is a wonderful individual, and should do the things that make him happy, not the things that are popular and make him uncomfortable. The mother from New York says, "This is something that should be talked about from your child's early years, and reiterated over the years. The advice I give my son is to do what he knows in his heart is the right thing."
Forming beliefs. With so much information flying at your child, don't be surprised if she starts forming her own opinions, in every aspect from politics to the environment, from religion to vegetarianism. Have a solid foundation for communicating at home. Ask her to tell you why she feels the way she does when she's passionate about an issue. If you keep an open mind, you'll learn a lot!
Having boyfriends/girlfriends. Middle school begins the time-honored tradition of dating. Of course, this term is used quite loosely, as kids this age don't do much more than hang out and instant-message each other. "I think preteens and teenagers are pushed into dating way too early," says one parent, citing chaperoned group events as a fine compromise. Another way to keep an eye on the so-called dating scene? "Have an open home and encourage your child to host his friends — start this early!" says one mom, who is preparing for her preteen son to being dating soon.
Developing crushes and acting on them is an important part of socialization that will be more refined come high school. However, these flirtations certainly take time away from schoolwork, and if you notice that your preteen has a case of puppy love, take the time to talk about it and offer advice and support.
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Why Is School So Different?
Be prepared for the effects that "graduating" to middle school may have on your child. Your preteen will have to adjust to her new school environment in the following ways:
Grasping the new class schedule. In middle school, the class schedule evolves. Punctuality becomes more important; if your child is late for class, his grades may suffer. The adjustment to core subjects taught by different teachers, moving from classroom to classroom, and shorter lunch breaks can be quite stressful at first. Go over the importance of being on time, and treat your child to a wristwatch that he can synchronize with the school bell.
Tackling "real" homework assignments. Homework now becomes more than completing a worksheet nightly or practicing spelling words. There is way more work, and the work is more difficult. Teachers stagger assignments, and your child will learn how to juggle daily, weekly, and monthly due dates. Help your preteen organize for this with tools like a homework calendar or planner. Being prepared for this particular change can positively affect the way she adapts and learns.
Delving deeper into subjects. All of a sudden, math becomes algebra and science morphs into biology. With all the new components to the core subjects, you may notice that where your child once excelled, he might now struggle. Explore tutoring options for subjects in which he finds difficult or ask if he has a buddy in class that he can call for help. Some kids prefer working with peers, while others benefit from a professional tutor.
Getting to know all the teachers. Realistically, the kind of rapport your child has with a particular teacher may influence how she performs in that subject; for example, if she thinks her math teacher is mean, she may shy away from math in favor of another subject. Likes and dislikes do shape the middle school experience, and your child might tend to daydream in class if she doesn't like an authority figure. Connect with her teachers to get an idea of what's going on, and if there seems to be a problem, strike up a discussion with your middle schooler. Get her take, and then work towards a solution.
Choosing extracurricular activities. There are so many options! Talk to your child about the activities he wants to do, as opposed to a hobby he may have lost interest in but continues because he's expected to participate. You may find that he's lost his passion for piano, and really wants to try out for the swim team. And with all of the schoolwork he'll be doing, make sure he doesn't load up on too many extracurriculars. Let him enjoy being a kid! Even more importantly, show support of the choices he makes. "Stay involved!" says one mom, when asked what she does to keep her preteen on the road to school success. "Go to the games, meetings, concerts. Show your child that you are always there for him."
Yes, distractions are inevitable in middle school. But if you're armed with the knowledge to understand why these changes affect your preteen, you can help her learn to enjoy her middle school adventure.
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