Solving Sticky, Tricky Middle School Situations

Solving Sticky, Tricky Situations
It’s quiz time: How would you handle these anxious moments? How will your child?
By Mary Seehafer Sears

Middle school is a huge new step in life. There’s anticipation, and at the same time, plenty of worries. Parents wonder: Will my child fit in, find friends, succumb to peer pressure? Does the school have problems with alcohol? Drugs? Sex? Will he get lost on the way to class? Will she be safe?

And kids are thinking: What should I do if I can’t remember my locker combination? What if another kid is mean to me and I can’t get him to leave me alone? What if I can't remember where I’m supposed to be 4th period on Tuesdays?

There’s less coddling in middle school, but be assured the teachers have been through this before, and are generally very understanding. Children learn some important lessons about life during these growing-up years. Personal relationship challenges often seem to take priority over schoolwork. You may have to back off a bit and let your child solve his own problems.

Still, there are times when you have to step in as the voice of authority. For all his growing independence, your child still needs you to set boundaries, and sometimes, to forbid things that, deep down, he may not really want to do. Your ‘no’ gives him the out he needs to avoid dangerous situations or encounters he’s not ready for.

To help you and your child make a smooth transition into middle school, and do some reconnaissance before problems actually crop up, take our twin quizzes (one for parents, one for kids). Then use each other’s answers as a jumping-off point for discussion. Parents, listen to your child’s responses in a non-judgmental way; you might learn something! And be alert to fears that may lie beneath the surface of your conversations.

The Results page at the end of each quiz identifies your parenting style, and your child’s action style — clues that can help to make these middle school years joyful and exciting.

For help and guidance in preparing this quiz, special thanks to Barbara J. Murray, M.A., school counselor for the Morris Plains, NJ, school district.

For Parents

1. Your child looks young for his age and will be riding the bus with 7th and 8th graders, who look large and rowdy. You’re afraid he’s going to get hurt, teased, or beaten up. You’re apt to: ?

ask a friendly 8th grader to look out for your son.

talk to him before school starts and role-play a few strategies on how to handle this kind of situation.

see if the middle school has a big brother-little brother program—someone a younger student can go to if he has questions or needs help or advice. If your school doesn’t have a program like this, consider starting one.

2. You used to know everyone at your child’s elementary school, but this year the middle school teachers and the principal are strangers. You:

have your child invite a teacher to dinner.

make appointments with teachers to get to know them better. Schedule a getting-to-know-you session with the principal, too.

figure you’ll meet them at back-to-school night or some other event.

3. Your daughter got her schedule confused and ended up sitting in the wrong class through an entire period because she didn’t want to call attention to herself. You:

remind her to pay more attention to where she’s going.

help her practice assertiveness techniques that make it easier to break into an ongoing conversation.

don’t worry about it; it probably won’t happen again.

4. You’ve heard rumors that kids use drugs in the middle school, but you’re not sure it’s true. To find out the real story, you’re most likely to:

Ask the school guidance counselor for a rundown of the situation and any prevention efforts. Find a way to be involved with your child’s new environment, by volunteering in a classroom or being around the school lunchroom or library to get a feel for things.

Do your research. Get a book at the library, go online to see what’s happening with this age group, and call a local mother or father who’s always in the know.

Keep your head down and hope for the best. Why worry about something that hasn’t happened yet?

5. Your youngest is starting middle school this year. She’s not your baby anymore; it’s time to start treating her like a responsible young lady. But it’s hard to see her in this new light. What can you do?

Make room for more grown-up pursuits like a shared spa day. And never say no to those mall trips — a lot gets revealed on those car rides when you aren’t looking at each other but just chatting side by side.

Ask her if she wants to join a mother-daughter book club with you, or do some volunteer work together.

6. Your son can barely find his backpack and socks. How will he find his way around middle school? To help him, you:

tell him to draw a map of the school and rely on friends for help getting to his classes.

ask permission to go to school with him for the first few days.

arrange for a tour of the middle school before the first day of school. Many schools offer this preview, often led by fellow students from the upper grades.

7. You’re afraid your son will give in to peer pressure in order to be accepted. To protect him, you:

look for his talents and showcase them. Enroll him in a class outside of school where he can really shine.

spruce up your basement or family room to appeal to your son and his friends, so it’s a place where the gang wants to congregate. Talking to the kids will give you a good sense of what’s going on. In fact, sometimes his friends will tell you more than your son will!

take every opportunity to praise him for his talents and capabilities, and then hope for the best.

8. Your child is developing a close friendship with another child in her class; the only problem is, you and the other mother don’t get along. You want to make your encounters smooth so the girls can still be friends, so you:

put your differences aside and be polite for the sake of the children’s relationship.

arrange a heart-to-heart with the other mother and ask her how she wants to handle it.

Ihonk from the driveway when it’s time to pick up your child.

9. You’re worried about the social pressures your daughter might face in middle school – not fitting in with any groups, falling in with the wrong crowd, and getting involved with boys. What do you do?

Try to meet her friends whenever you can, and encourage them to visit your home when they need a place to congregate.

Share lots of activities with your daughter (even grocery shopping) so the two of you have opportunities to stay in touch.

Say to yourself: I got through this; so will she. And set an early curfew.

10. Your son was teased throughout elementary school. He’s excited about making a new start in middle school. You’re putting on a brave face, but you’re a little scared that the situation won’t change. You:

can’t help voicing your fears – probably a little too often.

tell him everyone has gotten older and it will probably be okay this year.

reinforce the concept of standing up for oneself in an appropriate way, and encourage your child to practice doing so.

For Kids

1. You forgot your schedule and have no idea where to go 4th period. The middle school seems like a maze. You:

look for a friendly face; you’re so nervous you feel like crying.

wander around until you find a classroom of kids you recognize, go in, and see if you’re on the class list.

go to the office and get another copy of your schedule, plus a map of the school.

2. How do you keep track of what's due for which class?

Keep it in my head!

Get an organizer and use it faithfully.

Scribble on a handy piece of paper.

3. Most of your friends have more spending money, bigger houses, and more expensive clothes than you do. You feel left out. So you:

talk to your friends about your concerns, saying “I’m happy for you, but can you please stop talking about that? It’s making me feel left out.”

try to explain to your parents that it’s really important for you to get some new, cooler clothes.

put up with it and don’t say anything.

4. Your parents treat you like a baby. You don’t get to do any of the things your friends do. What should you do?

Secretly do some forbidden things and hope you don’t get caught.

Give them the phone number of some of the other parents, so they can get another point of view.

Show them you can be responsible by cleaning your room, getting good grades, and checking in with them by phone when you’re out.

5. There are showers at the middle school gym. Your body is changing and you don’t want to get undressed and shower in front of the other kids. What do you do?

Talk to your phys ed teacher to see if he or she has some strategies that will work for you.

Pretend to be sick on gym day.

Jump in and out of the shower as fast as you can.

6. You’re invited to a party, but you’re pretty sure there will be alcohol there. What’s the best plan?

Throw your own get-together that night.

Don’t go, and blame it on your parents. Write down a believable excuse and practice saying it out loud: “My family is having a big birthday party that night with out-of-town relatives. It’s a tradition and I can’t get out of it. Sorry!”

Go to the party and hope no one gets into trouble.

7. You can’t find a clique to call your own! You’re not a jock or a cheerleader, you’re not a nerd, you’re not Goth or gay. To find some like-minded friends, you:

pick an extracurricular activity that sounds interesting. You’ll immediately have something in common with everyone in the group.

consider changing your style to better fit in with one of the popular crowds.

hope someone will notice your talents and ask you to join.

8. You love gossip, but you know that a lot of it isn’t true and hurts people. What do you do when your friends start to gossip?

Remind them, “We’re not supposed to talk about people; it only causes problems.”

Tell the group you’ve outgrown gossip, then change the subject and talk about something else.

Say nothing; listen, but don’t pass it on.

9. You’re shy, so the cafeteria and bus cause you major anxiety every day. You’re likely to:

meditate on your good points and count the days ‘til middle school ends.

talk to your school counselor or a trusted adult about ways to feel more comfortable with other people.

skip lunch, and walk home instead of taking the bus.

10. There are a lot more rules in middle school, and you don’t want to break one and get punished. And if you don’t keep your grades up you can be placed on academic probation and have privileges taken away. You:

speak to your homeroom teacher or school counselor about the expectations for each of your classes. Keep a folder/notebook for each subject area, get organized, and do your assignments every day.

put your best friend on speed dial and call her to vent your worries every night.

play it by ear. If you miss a school dance or your grade does down, it’s not the end of the world.